itstopped | Re-Entry 15: Video/Spam

[Inmate Filter]

[It was a very good weekend with a very bad ending for Felix, which might be why he's back to smoking in front of the camera again. The collar of his shirt is unbuttoned as well, although he otherwise seems as composed as usual.]

Do any of you know why you're here?

[He pauses, then smirks ruefully.] For once, I'm not trying to sow dissent. I don't need you to tell me what kind of monster the Admiral is. I'm just... wondering what you think it is he thinks you need to change, and...

Well, no and. Just that.

[Private to Claire Bennet]

Could I ask you a question?

[Private to Trip, Racetrack, Barbara, Charles, separately]

I have something to tell you. [He glances away from the screen for a second, worry -- or something worse -- flashing in his eyes.] I... think I might really be a traitor this time.

If you're receiving this message-- [A tacit, almost wordless admission that there are others involved here, multiple victims.] --it's because I've been gathering information on you. My resources have been... limited, but I've compiled a detailed file that contains more or less everything you've said on any public or warden-only filter, and in some cases, in private communications as well.

I honestly thought that, given my... my history, I was doing what was best for myself and for the ship, but I realize now that I was wrong. I take full responsibility for my actions.

[Spam for Dean]

[Felix had left the room as soon as Dean had, the night after the flood, and he's been laying even lower than usual ever since. It's not that he wants to stay away, not this time -- he's just assuming that Dean wants nothing to do with him, and as much as he already misses him, he doesn't want to provoke a confrontation when he has nothing more to say in his own defense and no particularly convincing argument to make Dean take him back.

Honestly, things seem to go better for him when he avoids conflicts, anyway.

Unfortunately, though, he actually needs some things from the room, so he tries to pick a time when he suspects Dean won't be around. He still has the key, so he slips inside quietly and starts collecting his things, with every intention of leaving the key behind and no further trace of himself.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I wouldn't exactly say well protected, Morgana.

Then what would you say, Felix?

Well, I would say that I'm still trapped on a ship to hell where half the population could kill me with a look if the ship allowed anyone to die.

Lucky then that no one's allowed to die.

I still don't particularly agree with that, but that's not the point. [But then he huffs, pinches the bridge of his nose.] I've lost the point, to be honest.

[He's quiet for a half a beat. Then, softly:] It was easier for them, wasn't it?

It's always easier for children. They don't know any better. [For the moment, at least, she doesn't mean it as a dig at him; her gaze is turned inward. She doesn't know how to look past what she saw as flaws at that age.]

I know. [He agrees, really. Isn't that their problem? He agrees with her a little too much on things like this.]

But I... I guess I've started to think that there's a difference between learning better and... I don't know. Learning to be afraid.

Afraid. [She understands, and wishes she didn't. She was far from fearless as a child, but compared to what she feels now?]

Maybe they're not all that different. What were you afraid of, then?

Then? [He snorts.] Not much. Losing my homework. The occasional bully.

When I was that age, I didn't know what I was. I wasn't afraid of anything. But here, during the flood, I knew, and I was afraid for myself. But I didn't understand much I had to fear.

We all grow up.

[A beat, and she decides there's nothing to lose, but she makes this private.]

I'm here because I don't have the same values I did when I was a child. I've killed, and I've crippled, and I've struggled for one goal. I can only assume the Admiral didn't find my intentions as worthy as I did. Maybe he thinks the same of yours.

[I've killed, and I've crippled. It's not really new information, and he keeps his reaction contained, although there's a slight flicker in his eyes that belies that there is one to contain in the first place. But then, he lets out a soft sound of dry amusement, scratching a hand through his hair.]

Maybe it's because even I'm not sure what they are anymore. I mean, I've only ever wanted what was best for the fleet, and then for the people here, but...

[There is one other thing he's wanted, quite consistently since his initial imprisonment, and it strikes him now. His brow furrows, and he flashes a quick, puzzled, oddly twisted smile.] Unless-- but that would be really sick, even by the Admiral's standards.

You know the places we've been to. Do you really think he has standards?

What is it?

It's just... I got here the same way we all got here. All of the inmates, I mean. [By dying.] And while I've come to regret some things, while there are some things I would change... that's never been one of them.

Margaret's trying for another chance. All of us are supposedly trying for another chance. I'm not. Gods-- you don't think he'd keep me here until I don't want to leave, do you?

[Her brow creases faintly - because why wouldn't he want to leave - but so many others have said they'd rather stay. She still doesn't understand it.]

No. I knew an inmate who didn't want to leave. He graduated despite that.

And did what? Where did he go?

He stayed a while. Then I suppose he went home.

Not everyone finds wardening worth while.

That's not what I'm talking about.

He left. I don't know what else you want to hear.

I'm not talking about just leaving the Barge.

For once in your life, Felix, speak plainly.

People in the past have gotten a little uncomfortable when I do. [But fine, Morgana, gods.] I'm saying I found it much easier to accept dying than accepting being here. On the off chance that I'm ever allowed out of here again, I've always planned to...

[But for once, he balks.] I haven't had any other plans.

You'd rather die than take a second chance.

[She understands it perfectly, now, though she wishes she didn't.]

Maybe he is waiting for you to change your mind.

Oh, for gods' sake. [But his exasperation is at the Admiral and not at her, because what if that really is it? He doesn't know the phrase catch-22, but if he did...] That's ridiculous. I don't even know what else I would do with myself.

What would you do? If you could.

What I want is what I'd have to give up to leave. [She shrugs.] What I would do doesn't matter.

[Right now, she thinks she'd die; she just doesn't want to say it.]

It sounds like you and I are in more or less the same boat, then.

Private

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Re-Entry 15: Video/Spam

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